afterallthistime: (lack social skills)
[personal profile] afterallthistime
So I'm probably the last moron in the world to discover that Gala apples and cheddar cheese are amazing together, right?? Because, um, yeah. Got out of bed at like, eleven, didn't know if I wanted breakfast or lunch, realized I wasn't super hungry, ooh, apples -- ooh, cheddar! -- ooh, yummy. Mmm.

It appears my shitty mood (and 4 lb. weight gain) has, at least in part, been PMS, because -- yeah, I don't need to spell it out. The weight gain, eh, is probably a combination of actual weight gain because I've been eating shitty food and not exercising (though I did go to the gym on Tuesday and will probably go before dinner today), and retaining water like a mofo, because throughout this vacation, as I said, I've been eating sort of junky (salty) food, and drinking, like, five cups of coffee a day and, like, no water.

Anyway, speaking of terrible, hormonally-induced occurrences:

I went out for drinks with Andy last night and spent most of it bitching about being a fuck-up (which, before people think I'm fishing for reassurance, I don't actually think I'm a fuck-up, I know I'm not, I just feel like one sometimes) and Andy spent his time trying to rationalize why I'm not and what I should be thinking positively about instead. This is a dance we've been doing for the last week (and do often, like, apparently at least once a month, huh?), and frankly I'm impressed that he hasn't put in a request for another dance partner yet, tbh, because I can be a massive pain in the ass when I get in one of these moods.

And, I mean, he's not wrong. When I look at my life objectively, it's not bad. When I look at myself objectively (or as close to objectively as one can look at oneself), I'm not bad. But I get into these downturns -- and I guess sometimes they're PMS-related, and sometimes not, but whatever -- I get into these moods, and it's not that I can't see empirical evidence to the contrary, it's just that the evidence doesn't matter, that it's just so many insignificant details against this overwhelming backdrop of "I SUCK, I'M A LOSER." I get into these moods, and my present self exists in a vacuum, and it doesn't matter how far I've come or how much progress I've made, because I can't see that far behind me, and right now, I feel like I'm standing still, and that's all I can think about, because that's all that is, that's all that's now, and that's all that matters. I get into these moods, and it's like all I can see are people who have the things I'm still working towards (a better paying job, kids, a nicer apartment), and it doesn't matter how much I'm enjoying my job right now, or how nice it is to have the freedom that comes with being child-free, or how cute our apartment is, it's just, these people have something I want; how did they get it before me, why do they deserve it more than I do, and yes it's irrational, you don't need to point it out to me ("Don't you DARE call my irrational, you KNOW that makes me crazy!"*), but it is my gut reaction, and you can choose how you react to such a reaction, but the reaction itself is knee-jerk, deeply ingrained, and visceral, and it comes out full-force when I'm in one of these moods.

Side note: Because I really like playing armchair psychologist, I mentioned to Andy on the drive home that I was starting to think (like, over the last couple of months, it occurred to me, and I started researching it) that maybe I had cyclothymia, because reading accounts of living with cyclothymia was like reading my own autobiography, and when I explained to him what it was, his reaction was, "That just sounds like the life of every exceptionally creative person ever." I remarked that creative people often tended to be slightly unstable, and challeneged him to name one "remarkably creative" person who wasn't, and his answer was R.L. Stine. WTF? I lol'ed, honestly.

Oddly enough, now that I actually, you know, HAVE my period, I'm in a waaay better mood? Like, signifigantly better. I have no idea on a physiological level how that works, exactly, but I'm going to roll with it and try to be productive today, and enjoy the periods of downtime that I have (my only regret is that I do wish I'd gotten out of bed earlier, but on of my regular PMS/period symptoms is that I have insomnia, so I'll grab sleep when I can and not beat myself up about it).

I feel like doing some kind of creative yet self-indulgent entry. Remember when I abandoned that 100 things photo meme? Ah, good times, good times. I kind of want to do something like that again. Actually, what I actually for real want to do is A Day in My Life, but I always wind up forgetting to keep up with it and midway through the day I'm like, FUCK, I just went eight hours without a photo, lol, oh wellsies, maybe next time. Thoughts?

I'm capping myself at three cups of coffee today. Cheers.

*The incomparable Niles Crane, everybody.

Date: 2013-02-21 08:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I struggled for years with feelings of envy, and still do in some ways. I would see happy couples, marriages, babies, new houses, professional successes, elaborate vacations, and just get so frustrated with myself that they were reaching higher level in their lives and moving on, and I was behind. Then I realized that sometimes, almost all the time really, they have parts of their lives that suck and the picture-perfectedness is just covering their own struggle. I then looked inward at myself and realized that I wasn't behind, that my life was awesome, and that I had the power to make it even better. So I spent pretty much the entire last two years accepting my life as great just the way it is but also striving for more. It has made so much difference! Not that my life is perfect; no life is and ever will be. I have great career stuff going but I'm still just a poor student living with a roommate, 29 and single and still in love with my ex-fiance. But I actually love my life and I love the direction that I'm heading. Everyone has moments of self-pity. Perspective and motivation are key in getting past it.

I haven't thought of R.L. Stine in years! He was my favorite author as a kid. I don't think I have any of his books anymore, though.

Date: 2013-02-21 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I wish I could express how much this entry resonated with me. I'm so sorry that you go through these periods as well, but it's somewhat comforting to know that you're not alone.

Date: 2013-02-22 01:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
None of the specialists I've seen can definitely categorize it as one thing in particular, but I've been diagnosed as being some part of the spectrum between severe depression, cyclothemia, and bipolar and I'm not particularly creative -- so let's try to divorce the glamour from the illness, please. Thinking that any of this behavior is a symptom of some special sensibility is a huge part of our cultural othering of the mentally ill and the marginalizing of artistic people as people who are "supposed" to be cray cray.

That said, if you really do feel like you really want to know how to get in gear, a good therapist or reading up on CBT techniques can probably help you clear your head a bit. Hell, if I never got anything out of therapy except the tendency to try to take a step back and ask myself if x is really happening or happening mostly in my head, I will consider it time well spent.

Date: 2013-02-22 03:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
God, I relate to this entry SO HARD. I've been thinking these thoughts all week and have been trying to put them in an LJ post.

Date: 2013-02-22 03:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I don't see this as a cry for help - in fact, you have a keen self-awareness and I think it's a great strength.


afterallthistime: (Default)
we understand the lights.

May 2013

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