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I've been job hunting. I don't even feel like this is new anymore; has there been a point in the last two or three years when I haven't been job hunting? It's a more relaxed past time now, not the desperate, "get me the fuck out of here" anxiety-induced scramble it was when I was still one-on-one with J.R., but it's still an active search. I've posted up resumes on Monster and Schoolspring; I've gotten two calls based on my Monster resume, both from insurance agencies, which makes fuck all sense, because literally all the experience I have listed has been in academia, primarily Special Ed. (my resume only lists what I've been doing for the last nine years; prior to this job, I worked as a writing tutor, and before that I was customer service at a bookstore, and before that I was a high schooler working at a movie theatre), so I call bullshit on that. It's either a company just doing mass recruitment or it's a scam, and either way, I have no interest working in insurance. And not even because it's an office job, because I'm starting to think I might not mind that?? I mean, the office environment in and of itself neither compels nor repels me, but I would have to be interested and inviested in the kind of work being done, and insurance is just so... dry.

The two jobs that hold the most promise for me right now (out of the... dozen? Maybe? That I've applied to so far) are 1.) English teacher at my high school alma mater, and 2.) Program Coordinator for the Writers House at my college alma mater. For 1.), because it's a private prep school, certification and licensure is not required to teach, just proven experience/effectiveness (though cert. is a plus, and I do technically have a prelim. cert., plus classroom experience, and I've passed all the qualifying tests). The benefits are good, and the starting salary would be an automatic 11k/year increase. They (quaintly) still require a submitted paper application, along with transcripts, and (I believe) letters of rec (luckily, I talked to my ETFs weeks ago, and they offered to be references for me for whatever comes up). I just filled out a transcript request form and am setting to work on a cover letter more or less as I speak.

The other job is more of an office position, but I'd be working with the English Department at my alma mater to design, plan, book, etc. events, speakers, workshops, etc. to facilitate a "creative space" for young writers on campus, and this would include creating print and digital media for said events, social networking, booking events, planning and coordinating with the English Department, etc. Considering that one of my intended careers when I got out of undergrad. was PR work, this is something that appeals to me, um, a lot. I put that application in a week ago, and keep checking my email and phone obsessively, hoping someone will contact me, will say SOMETHING to me, at least call me for an interview.

My mom, of course, has to fee into every fear and insecurity I've ever been prone to (which I've been prone to because of growing up with her), including "are you sure you want to leave this job when you're comfortable here?" and "what if you wind up hating this other job?" And... you know, it's not like I don't think about these things, I've by-passed several jobs that I was technically qualified for because I didn't think I'd enjoy them, or because I thought they'd be more work for not enough of an increase in compensation and all that. So, I'm conscious of the fact that there are jobs out there that just aren't going to be "for me," but... like, it's not even that she's asking, you know, "constructive" questions, like, "do you think you'd like to work in an office?" which is perfectly reasonable, but she keep saying things like, "I don't know, I'd be afraid I wouldn't like the new job," and "Are you sure?" So it's just like, can't you just be positive about this for me? Can you not project every fear and insecurity you have on to me, and make me afraid to do things, or discourage me from doing things just because they're scary?? She's always done this -- from small, insignificant things (I never tried seafood, sushi, x, y, and z other food until I was in my early 20s, because she refused to buy them/told us not to order them when we went out/kept telling us we could be allergic) to big things (never had anyone to teach me to drive, and when I finally started driving, she kept warning me never to go on the highway, like it was this monstrous, insurmountable thing). I'm convinced she doesn't do it to purposefully deter us from doing things, but just that she's literally so fearful of change/new things and she just doesn't have a goddamn filter and doesn't/didn't realize what an effect hearing that kind of thing over and over again as a kid, especially a kid with both a family and personal history of panic and anxiety problems. Her fears aren't stopping me from applying to these jobs or doing anything else, but it would still be nice to say, "hey, I'm doing this cool thing," and have her just say, "cool, I'm proud of you!" without rattling off a litany of Things That Could Go Wrong.

Speaking of driving, I'm scheduling my road test tomorrow. The only thing I'm nervous about now is, ironically, being nervous on the test. Because goddamnit, I can drive. I can drive pretty decently, and I have no real hang-up or fears on the road any more (I've been doing all the driving for almost three months now). But I hate being... watched. I hate being assessed. I'm I'm afraid that despite the fact that I KNOW I can drive, and I KNOW I am worthy of a license (for fuck's sake, I see people on the road every day doing these egregiously wrong and DANGEROUS things, and at least SOME of them must have valid licenses, and if THEY can get one, for fuck's sake...), I'm afraid that I'm going to freak out and self-sabotage. It doesn't help that a co-worker's son, who has an anxiety disorder, has just failed his driver's test three time, not for lack of knowing how to drive, but because he choked. This has not made me feel any better about my own future performance.

But... I can do it. I CAN do it. And once I do it, they give me the license, and that pressure is behind me forever. Good. I can do this.

1. I can't believe we have seven and a half weeks left. Oh, God.
2. MCAS next Monday and Tuesday. Easy day, in that (if he refuses the scribing accommodation again), I basically read him questions and then sit there. Awful day in that, with his attentional issues, I'll be redirecting every five seconds and he'll STILL take five hours to do the test. And cry all the way through it. Potentially literally.
3. ANIME BOSTON COSPLAY UPDATE: lol guise, I totes flaked on the Loki cosplay. Maybe for Arisia??* Anyway, I'm doing a Dean Winchester cosplay for the Friday Whovian meet-up and a Marceline the Vampire Queen (from Adventure Time) cosplay for the multi-fandom meet-up on Saturday. I'm still waiting for the screening room schedule and panel info to go live so I can further plan, but there's some gaming I want to get in on, and also Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen is going to be in Boston that Sat., and I want to try to convince her to come to the meet-up. Yiss.
4. WALK FOR HUNGER. Took yesterday off again because this year, my knee and hip felt fine! My feet... ugh, were a horror show. When I got home I tooka fucking PICTURE because I couldn't believe what had happened to them (don't worry, I'm not going to share). Needless to say, I couldn't wear shoes for 24 hours. Andy and I went to my mom's house where my brother (who had also done the walk and was likewise recovering), Andy, and I played Magic: The Gathering. I REALLY need to revamp my decks; I made these decks when I was learning how to play five years ago and haven't played them in ages, and it showed. (PS: Did all 20 miles of the walk again. Took us eight hours this year).
5. IRON MAN 3: SADFGFJHSDGJDKGDKL; TONY STARK I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, TONY! (Iron Man remains my favorite of the individual Avengers movie!verse franchises. Thor is a close second).

*Andy's attendance is hinging on whether or not he enjoys Anime Boston, but having been to cons before, I've already decided next year's "give a con a try" convention is going to be Arisia, and I'm already psyched for it.


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we understand the lights.

May 2013

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