you can't take the sky from me.

Wed, 08 May 2013 02:31:27 GMT

I've been job hunting. I don't even feel like this is new anymore; has there been a point in the last two or three years when I haven't been job hunting? It's a more relaxed past time now, not the desperate, "get me the fuck out of here" anxiety-induced scramble it was when I was still one-on-one with J.R., but it's still an active search. I've posted up resumes on Monster and Schoolspring; I've gotten two calls based on my Monster resume, both from insurance agencies, which makes fuck all sense, because literally all the experience I have listed has been in academia, primarily Special Ed. (my resume only lists what I've been doing for the last nine years; prior to this job, I worked as a writing tutor, and before that I was customer service at a bookstore, and before that I was a high schooler working at a movie theatre), so I call bullshit on that. It's either a company just doing mass recruitment or it's a scam, and either way, I have no interest working in insurance. And not even because it's an office job, because I'm starting to think I might not mind that?? I mean, the office environment in and of itself neither compels nor repels me, but I would have to be interested and inviested in the kind of work being done, and insurance is just so... dry.

The two jobs that hold the most promise for me right now (out of the... dozen? Maybe? That I've applied to so far) are 1.) English teacher at my high school alma mater, and 2.) Program Coordinator for the Writers House at my college alma mater. For 1.), because it's a private prep school, certification and licensure is not required to teach, just proven experience/effectiveness (though cert. is a plus, and I do technically have a prelim. cert., plus classroom experience, and I've passed all the qualifying tests). The benefits are good, and the starting salary would be an automatic 11k/year increase. They (quaintly) still require a submitted paper application, along with transcripts, and (I believe) letters of rec (luckily, I talked to my ETFs weeks ago, and they offered to be references for me for whatever comes up). I just filled out a transcript request form and am setting to work on a cover letter more or less as I speak.

The other job is more of an office position, but I'd be working with the English Department at my alma mater to design, plan, book, etc. events, speakers, workshops, etc. to facilitate a "creative space" for young writers on campus, and this would include creating print and digital media for said events, social networking, booking events, planning and coordinating with the English Department, etc. Considering that one of my intended careers when I got out of undergrad. was PR work, this is something that appeals to me, um, a lot. I put that application in a week ago, and keep checking my email and phone obsessively, hoping someone will contact me, will say SOMETHING to me, at least call me for an interview.

My mom, of course, has to fee into every fear and insecurity I've ever been prone to (which I've been prone to because of growing up with her), including "are you sure you want to leave this job when you're comfortable here?" and "what if you wind up hating this other job?" And... you know, it's not like I don't think about these things, I've by-passed several jobs that I was technically qualified for because I didn't think I'd enjoy them, or because I thought they'd be more work for not enough of an increase in compensation and all that. So, I'm conscious of the fact that there are jobs out there that just aren't going to be "for me," but... like, it's not even that she's asking, you know, "constructive" questions, like, "do you think you'd like to work in an office?" which is perfectly reasonable, but she keep saying things like, "I don't know, I'd be afraid I wouldn't like the new job," and "Are you sure?" So it's just like, can't you just be positive about this for me? Can you not project every fear and insecurity you have on to me, and make me afraid to do things, or discourage me from doing things just because they're scary?? She's always done this -- from small, insignificant things (I never tried seafood, sushi, x, y, and z other food until I was in my early 20s, because she refused to buy them/told us not to order them when we went out/kept telling us we could be allergic) to big things (never had anyone to teach me to drive, and when I finally started driving, she kept warning me never to go on the highway, like it was this monstrous, insurmountable thing). I'm convinced she doesn't do it to purposefully deter us from doing things, but just that she's literally so fearful of change/new things and she just doesn't have a goddamn filter and doesn't/didn't realize what an effect hearing that kind of thing over and over again as a kid, especially a kid with both a family and personal history of panic and anxiety problems. Her fears aren't stopping me from applying to these jobs or doing anything else, but it would still be nice to say, "hey, I'm doing this cool thing," and have her just say, "cool, I'm proud of you!" without rattling off a litany of Things That Could Go Wrong.

Speaking of driving, I'm scheduling my road test tomorrow. The only thing I'm nervous about now is, ironically, being nervous on the test. Because goddamnit, I can drive. I can drive pretty decently, and I have no real hang-up or fears on the road any more (I've been doing all the driving for almost three months now). But I hate being... watched. I hate being assessed. I'm I'm afraid that despite the fact that I KNOW I can drive, and I KNOW I am worthy of a license (for fuck's sake, I see people on the road every day doing these egregiously wrong and DANGEROUS things, and at least SOME of them must have valid licenses, and if THEY can get one, for fuck's sake...), I'm afraid that I'm going to freak out and self-sabotage. It doesn't help that a co-worker's son, who has an anxiety disorder, has just failed his driver's test three time, not for lack of knowing how to drive, but because he choked. This has not made me feel any better about my own future performance.

But... I can do it. I CAN do it. And once I do it, they give me the license, and that pressure is behind me forever. Good. I can do this.

Tidbits:
1. I can't believe we have seven and a half weeks left. Oh, God.
2. MCAS next Monday and Tuesday. Easy day, in that (if he refuses the scribing accommodation again), I basically read him questions and then sit there. Awful day in that, with his attentional issues, I'll be redirecting every five seconds and he'll STILL take five hours to do the test. And cry all the way through it. Potentially literally.
3. ANIME BOSTON COSPLAY UPDATE: lol guise, I totes flaked on the Loki cosplay. Maybe for Arisia??* Anyway, I'm doing a Dean Winchester cosplay for the Friday Whovian meet-up and a Marceline the Vampire Queen (from Adventure Time) cosplay for the multi-fandom meet-up on Saturday. I'm still waiting for the screening room schedule and panel info to go live so I can further plan, but there's some gaming I want to get in on, and also Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen is going to be in Boston that Sat., and I want to try to convince her to come to the meet-up. Yiss.
4. WALK FOR HUNGER. Took yesterday off again because this year, my knee and hip felt fine! My feet... ugh, were a horror show. When I got home I tooka fucking PICTURE because I couldn't believe what had happened to them (don't worry, I'm not going to share). Needless to say, I couldn't wear shoes for 24 hours. Andy and I went to my mom's house where my brother (who had also done the walk and was likewise recovering), Andy, and I played Magic: The Gathering. I REALLY need to revamp my decks; I made these decks when I was learning how to play five years ago and haven't played them in ages, and it showed. (PS: Did all 20 miles of the walk again. Took us eight hours this year).
5. IRON MAN 3: SADFGFJHSDGJDKGDKL; TONY STARK I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, TONY! (Iron Man remains my favorite of the individual Avengers movie!verse franchises. Thor is a close second).

*Andy's attendance is hinging on whether or not he enjoys Anime Boston, but having been to cons before, I've already decided next year's "give a con a try" convention is going to be Arisia, and I'm already psyched for it.

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More pimping, guys (charity this time, yo)

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:24:05 GMT

I have a few things to pimp out today, so forgive me -- no pressure to donate/contribute, but both are for a good cause, so I wanted to get them out there.

The first: This Sunday (May 5th), for the second year, I am participating in the Boston branch of The Walk for Hunger, a 20-mile walk through Boston and neighboring city with the proceeds going to Project Bread, the goal of which is to end hunger in Massachusetts. I started fundraising pretty late this year (and completely ignored online fundraising until a couple of days ago), because I wasn't certain I was doing it, but I managed to raise $125 so far, and every little bit helps. Last year I did all 20 miles in about 7 hours, and I hope to do the same this year. If you can donate anything, that woul be amazing.

The second: I'm a (proud) member of two Boston-based fan groups, Sherlock Boston and The Boston Whovians, and they, along with a bunch of other Boston-based fan groups, have started Fandoms for Boston, an IndieGoGo fundraiser to raise money for those affected by the Boston Marathon bombing. There are some pretty cool incentives at every level (even $1!), so if you can donate, that'd be awesome. There is SUPPOSED to be a "live" event as well, but the logistics of that, as well as the location, are still being ironed out. If fate works out as we all hope, I will be selling clay charms and maybe some little knitted things in Boston on May 18th, with all proceeds going to One Fund Boston. I'll post more info about the live event as the time draws nearer, should our plans come to fruition.

Blogging post of introspection and junk coming soon xx

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Reality Show Pimping, what what

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 01:46:16 GMT

Andy and I have been watching this web series called Strip Search, which, guys, click that link -- it's awesome. It's basically a reality TV competition show, but the contestants on it are actually awesome, smart, creative, not-asshole human beings. It's run by the guys at Penny Arcade (even if you don't read the web comic, you should probably know them as the guys who spearheaded the PAX conventions -- and if you didn't know that, get over here, you little shit, I'm revoking your License to Nerd), and it's all about webcomic artists.

Reasons You Need to Watch This Show:

1. The people are awesome. Like, I seriously dare you to watch the show and pick a quick and easy favorite, or find someone who ellicits a deep and visceral loathing. I mean, there are definitely contestants I find funnier, or more talented, or more interesting, but usually on reality shows there's at least one person I know I'm rooting for, straight up, and at least one person who can GDIAF. But there's no one who's really a Jerkass, no one who's really even a Bitch in Sheep's Clothing (and we're up to the 5th elimination round, you'd figure they'd have emerged by now. Everyone is just really cool and hangs out.

2. These people have appreciable talent. And I know there are reality shows out there that have people with talents -- say what you want about it, but there are some genuinely good singers on American Idol (though the show went from Cheesy Guilty Pleasure to Shiiiiiiit over time), and there are other talent competitions that showcase actual talent. But for all of those, you have an equal number of reality shows about quasi-celebrities whose tenacious grasp on celebrity paradoxically hinges on the fact that they have a reality show. It's nice to see people who are good at something practice what they're good at. It just is.

3. If you have a creative bone in your body, OH MY GOD, this show is going to make you want to BE ON IT AND DO WHAT THEY ARE DOING, AHHHH. How much do I want to lock myself in a lakeview cottage right now with a dozen other creative people and just talk ahop and be given challenges and collaborative activities and shit?? SO FUCKING MUCH. I would legit plan out like, an un-broadcast version of this if enough of y'all wanted to participate and pitch in. Like, we'd develop challenges and chit, and do team and individual challenges (but we wouldn't have to kick people out, we'd just earn points and get rewards and stuff). It'd be fucking awesome.

4. Everyone looks like they're having fun! It's challenging, yeah, but no one ever looks like they're being exploited, humiliated, or feeling anything other than enjoyment and genuine gratitude for being there.

5. It's fucking hilarious.

6. EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING ADORABLE, OMG. THE CONTESTANTS ARE BASICALLY PUPPIES (ESPECIALLY KATIE AND MONICA).

I'm going to go dork around the internet while all y'all catch up on this show, and then we can chat about it, mmmkay?

Free Floating Hostility coming soon, because if I don't type it out, it will burn a hole in my soul.

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A bloo bloo bloo

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 00:25:32 GMT

Let's talk about how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Or not. Yeah, no, let's not.

Last weekend I went to muskratjamboree and it was epic, just as it was the last time. I tend towards the quiet, lurky side, since I've not been super vocal in fandom in the last several years, but I still love fan culture and hearing the last about what people are reading and watching and doing. I've picked up a lot of potential fandoms that may interest me, and had a great time basking on the aura of enthusiasm that everyone brought for their respective fandoms.

Mostly, it made me really want to create things again -- like, in terms of vidding or ficcing again, obviously, but also in a more general sense. Like, what excuse do I have -- what valid excuse do I have -- for not writing more, or for not doing more photomanips, or working on graphics so that I can actually get good enough to commit the images in my head to paper? Why am I not reading and critiquing more fic, or betaing anymore, or generating meta? Why am I pushing ideas aside as being too undeveloped or "out there" when I know I would get pleasure from writing them, and when I know, first hand, that there is an audience for everything, however brief, or meandering, or outlandish.

I feel like I am turning my back on a potentially welcoming community** out of a sense of inadequacy and this idea that I have nothing of value to offer, and that is just total bullshit. There are brilliant ideas out there that I am missing out on by not paying more attention to the community, and my own ideas are stagnating and dying because I never even give them a chance. I need to put the kibosh on that mode of thinking, yo.

Tomorrow starts the April round of Camp NaNoWriMo, and I'm hoping that lights the appropriate fire under my ass to start me writing again, because it's not so much that I have no ideas as it is that I never give myself permission to just write and not worry about quality or plot, and once I get started, I usually generate some decent stuff if I can keep it going long enough. Hoping to start on a collection of short fiction that I've been putting off committing to paper since, mmm, October, maybe??

**I'm referring specifically (in light of the con) to the fandom community, but in a broader and just as valid sense, I also mean the ~creative community in general. I enjoy making things, I enjoy crafting, and crocheting, and writing, but I don't make time for them any more. It's like -- work, gym, dinner, chores, internet, bed, everyday. THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN THAT, GODDAMNIT. I just need to... fucking reclaim it, man.

Meanwhile, this weekend I spent (with SIGNIFICANT help from Andy) getting the house clean, because SPRING, BITCHES. Wow, with two of us, we got basically EVERYTHING done in a day and a half, which is pretty epic, honestly. I still have to clean the tub and then my craft room (because, aha, the craft room is basically a dumping ground for whatever shit I've been working on -- or not working on -- and right now it contains:

1. a suitcase still half-full from MJ,
2. a stack of newspapers for a paper mache Loki helmet I am "supposed" to make for Anime Boston,
3. several blocks of Sculpey, a bunch of loose and disorganized jewelry posts and jump hooks, bottles of acrylic paint, and dozens of charms in various stages of completeness,
4. piles of clothing that no longer fit, strewn on both my desk chair and my dress makers dummy,
5. most of my collection of scrapbooking supplies, all over my desk, because... fuck you, that's why (no, I have no recollection of using them recently, I don't know how or why they're there)

but the craft room is closed off from the rest of the flat 99.9% of the time anyway, and I kind of regard it as a seperate entity, because I'm the only one who ever goes in there anyway. So while I DO want to get it cleaned and organized, it's not as much of a priority as the rest of the living space). This is a big deal, because it makes me feel like SOMETHING in my life is just, you know, DONE. Set. A-ok. In order. It means it's one less thing I have to feel anxious about, or to use as an excuse as to why I'm not doing X, Y, and Z instead of fretting about my living space or feeling overwhelmed by other obligations (also, everything smell like Fresh Water, and that's super nice, ahh...) We threw the windows open yesterday and tore down the curtains (to wash them), the the whole flat as full of fresh air and sunlight, and yeah... it feels like, if I had to wait for a time to start things over, this is it. This is the time to renew commitments to yourself.

Other things:

1. I've been driving. I know, wow. I'm hating it less. We're planning on scheduling my road test sometime in April, taking it sometime in May. I fucking hate merging onto the highway, but so does everyone. Other than that, I don't mind highway driving, and I've been long resigned to city driving. I've been taking myself around, to Mel's house, to and from work, to the gym... I'm excited to be able to apply to jobs that require a driver's license, because while that would mean I'd need to buy a car (it's usually in-home training, direct care work, etc.), the jobs that would require it also pay enough that it would be a reasonable expense to buy a semi-decent used car for work.

2. Work. I'm looking. I don't hate my job right now -- on the contrary, while there are some really frustrating moments, in general, I enjoy it. So now is really the time to look, when I'm in the frame of mind where I am restless enough to be mentally willing to try something new, but emotionally stable enough to be selective, and to only apply to jobs that sound like a step up, instead of applying to anything because AT LEAST IT'S NOT THIS.

3. I need fanart -- good fanart -- of a.) true-form!Castiel, and b.) Ice King/Marceline (not in a romantic sense) from Adventure Time, because oh my God, I think I'm addicted to Adventure Time, and Ice King and MArceline just make me go A BLOO BLOO BLOO.

I just heard the dryer stop, which is my signal to go and fold clothes, because Lord knows I won't feel like it after the gym tomorrow. Enjoy what little remains of the weekend, everyone.

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