Not Screwing Up

[afterallthistime]

2011 ends in ten days, so naturally I’ve been thinking quite a bit about 2012.

I am determined not to fuck it up.



That probably sounds kind of unfair in some ways, like I’m implying that 2011 was somehow “fucked up,” or that it was an especially awful year or something. It wasn’t. Andy found a good job. We moved into a nice apartment. We’ve had a little extra money every month to enjoy. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. Nothing tragic has happened, and several rather celebratory events (see aforementioned examples) occurred. I can’t claim that it was a year “wasted.”

But I wasted a lot of time this year thinking about things I want to do and significantly less time actually, oh, you know, going out and doing them. And some of those things are at the mercy of the fates – I can look around for a new career as long and as hard as I’d like, but if there’s nothing open in my chosen field, or nothing that suits my needs (or vice-versa), then there is little to nothing I can do about it (except not give up).

But, like, the classes I want to take (not for my degree, for my own benefit)? The book I want to publish? The projects I want to complete? Those are all things totally within my power to do, and yet I put them off, and put them off, and put them off – telling myself I’m not ready; they’re not ready; that attempting them now will be disastrous; that I don’t have the time, the skill the energy; that I’ll somehow fuck it up; that it’s so far beyond my abilities that even the attempt is useless. I self-sabotage like it’s my fucking job. And I have always been like this – this isn’t something I can pin on the ADD or whatever. It wasn’t always as pervasive or over-arching, but it has always been there – this intense drive to do something, but without any really energy, motivation, or direction behind it, and crippling self-doubt every time I even seriously consider embarking on anything ambitious.

(The funny thing is, when I do take the risks that have scared me the most, they wind up paying off – my current job and my husband are testaments to this. I kind of don’t know what my fucking problem is.)

I want to change this. I want to really take stock of the things I want to do and starting getting some of those projects off the ground. I started writing up a “bucket list” of sorts – it’s pretty ridiculous, actually, but weirdly exciting in it’s own way, like seeing things written down suddenly makes them feel so much more possible. I’m trying to keep the list to things that push my boundaries, in terms of what I think I’m capable of, without full-out crashing through them – I figure, if I can get some of the “do-able” stuff down and, well, actually done, maybe it’ll give me the confidence/motivation to actually attempt some of the significantly “bigger” challenges. (For those wondering, I will probably post the list (which will be occasionally updated and revised) at some point nearer to the New Year itself; sometimes I think if I have an audience, I’ll be more likely to perform, you know?)

One of my more ambitious projects is to complete The 52 Projects, something I’ve been wanting to do for the last three years or so – something I’ve been intending to do, but have yet to actually start on, or attempting in any meaningful way. I’ve been wanting to take voice lessons, or at least a vocal workshop (and now actually have the money where this could be a possibility). I wanted to resume studying Spanish; I wanted to compile my book or poetry. I wanted to start working on a YA novel outside of NaNoWriMo. I wanted to start a podcast. And I have done – or seriously, seriously attempted – approximately zero of those things.

I like symbolism. You know that, if you followed me over from my old LJ, or if you know my in Real Life. I like the New Year as a representation of fresh starts. But I also don’t want to wait to really get started on these projects. So first, I’m going to sit down with my list and prioritize (because lack of organization may well be the death of me) – figure out what I can do first, what I should wait on, what projects I can do simultaneously (some of them are things that require a real push (i.e., publish a book, start a podcast), and some can run sort of quietly in the background (i.e., read a book a week, keep a pen and paper journal), etc. Get organized, rally myself. Then enjoy the New Year celebration and get started.


How about you all? Do you have resolutions??

Comments

[centrius.livejournal.com]

I think putting shit off is just what people do. Something else pops up in that day and you think "I'd rather do this instead..." so your goals get shoved to the side. What I always say is that you're doing well as long as you are making steps towards those goals regardless of how small those steps may be. You seem to have your act together quite nicely though so I suspect everything will turn out quite well for you once you have started working on everything you want. =)

For me, it's simple. To actually get in shape. I've been going to the gym quite regularly but I haven't cut back on how much I'm eating. I'm not looking to get ripped, but a stage or 2 down from that =p

[sumofherregrets.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's basically what goes through my head every day... "Well, I COULD do this, but this Other Thing is shinier and more special." I would like to hope things go well for me once I get off my ass and go, thanks.

Good luck with getting into shape, that's a big goal for me as well - I've managed 45 pounds this year, hoping for another 20 by Memorial Day. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

[larivee22.livejournal.com]

I think you're doing as much as you can, when you can. It's very American to have the belief that you must! do! all these things! and that just leads anyone -- to choke. Maybe setting a goal of having 3, and only 3, things to do an afternoon might work.

I do it too, hell, it took nearly a year of therapy just to even see that I was doing it, and not doing it is a day to day procedure. I think part of that is our culture where we think things have to be done yesterday and all our major life decisions have to be made by thirty, so if something isn't going fast enough you feel it isn't working right and it's totally your fault and you're a big fucking loser when it's really... just not going fast enough because shit happens sometimes.

Anyway, this might help: http://daphne.palomar.edu/jtagg/cds.htm

[sumofherregrets.livejournal.com]

I get that I sometimes get overambitious on a day-to-day basis (and thus set myself up for failure), but most of my frustration stems from knowing that I'm really just not putting forth an effort on a lot of endeavors. It's not so much that they aren't coming to fruition or being completed in a "timely" manner (though those issues sometimes do arise to nag at me, I can usually quell them), it's those things that I keep saying "tomorrow" and "tomorrow" to and literally never make any progress on. If I could manage a little every day, that'd be awesome, or set aside prescribed times to work on certain projects, which is what I'm going to have to do if I ever want to get any of my projects off the ground. They are TOTALLY doable. I just need to DO them, slowly and steadily, but... DO them, regardless.

[larivee22.livejournal.com]

But it sounds like you're overambitious on more than a day to day basis, I'd say you're pretty ambitious in general. And that's good, life is short -- but I think the fact that you want to do a lot and you want to do things that have a fair amount of depth to them and that will all take a lot of time to do is why they keep getting put off. And that schedule you want to have sounds like a very good step, but... that's still a big list for one year.
And being all "if I don't do all these things, then the year is wasted" isn't really helpful, you know? Because then it's a more do or die situation than it has to be, and one just gets more and more paralyzed because OMG OMG.

(Says the woman who spent three hours surfing the internet in procrastination because being almost finished on a scarf seemed like too much of a burden -- again, I'm not saying I don't do these things either. Giving up these thought patterns is a little like trying to give up smoking in that it drastically alters every aspect of the way you have to approach things and it is physically wrenching sometimes, but it's worth it.)

Frankly, I'm impressed made all your own Christmas gifts. I know of no one else in my life who has ever done that. Eric made some books on cd for his nephew and second cousins, and I made a scarf, and we're both exhausted now. Yay amazon.

[sumofherregrets.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

That's actually a reason I hesitate to call them "new year's resolutions," because I feel like everyone does the same thing - it gets to be mid-January and you're like, "Fuck, I haven't been doing ANY of this shit!" and promptly give up on the entire endeavor. I want to, um... not do that. I figure "bucket list" makes them more overarching goals, something to consistently work towards without worrying about when they'll be done... just as long as I'm working on them.

[snowystardust.livejournal.com]

I'm a self-sabotager as well! *waves hand* I also like symbolism, even if sometimes it feels silly. A new year doesn't change things, but it symbolises change and new beginnings and makes me feel like anything is possible. My goal for next year is to hold onto that feeling all year, to complete writing my YA novel, do well enough in uni, to make a difference in my local community and bring smiles to the faces of strangers, all while attempting to hold down my full time job and run my online shop. I don't know how I'll go, but I'm going to do my best to succeed!

xx

[sumofherregrets.livejournal.com]

Wow, so you actually have several of the same resolutions as me, really. Good luck with yours as well.

I'm really trying to do the whole positive thinking stuff this year, because I know I could be awesome if I allowed myself to be :-/ I'm sure you could be too! We all get enough crap from the world telling us we can't do things, or we shouldn't do things, the last thing we need is to hear it from ourselves, too.