Happy Saturday and guilty aftermath
Oct. 25th, 2011 07:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
afterallthistimeSaturday was quiet, low-key, and much appreciated. Melissa came over in the afternoon and assisted me in making the first apple crisp I've ever made that was a true "apple crisp," entirely through the miracle that are fast-cooking oats (I don't eat oats/oatmeal in general, and as I ususally throw together apple crisp in an attempt to make something palatable out of fast wilting apples, my apple crisp is usually just butter, cinnamon, and brown sugar - which is tasty, and a fantastic ice cream topping, but not quite the same thing). I also made experimental mini open-faced pumpkin pies which were far too full of pumpkin, but tasty nonetheless, and she and I went through - with some, but little, help - two bottles of moscato. Dan and Pete had been hanging out with Andy since earlier in the afternoon, Jamie popped up around six, my folks, my sister and Steve, and Amanda all showed up around seven, and several of them with goodies in tow - Jamie brought toffee chew cookies, Dan and Pete came back with candies of all varieties, and my sister hand-made and decorated chocolate-dipped oreos (which were freaking amazing). We spent the evening eating take-out pizza and watching MST3K (The Horrors of Spider Island (or more aptly, The Whores of Spider Island, and Gamera).
I, of course, consequently sunk into a junk-food guilt spiral that I am still emerging from; I don't think it's healthy for me to continue completely depriving myself of junk food, especially since I've already proven to myself that I have changed my lifestyle and my overall habits, and Lord knows I am healthier now than at any other time in my life, most likely (I'm about five pounds away from my high school weight, for Christ's sake). Instead, I'm trying just to stick to what I know is right - occassional indulgences, with an adherence afterward to my normal, healthy habits (and if I've been especially indulgent, perhaps an extra trip to the gym that week). I figure if I give myself permission to "treat" myself occassionally it will be healthier in the long run, and while I intellectually acknowledge that, it's harder to convince that part of myself that keeps telling me that I've already let myself slip, and that I've slipped too far, so why not just quit and pig out and go back to doing what I did for the better part of my life, and hey, yeah. I never really admitted to myself or let myself think about how complicated my relationship with food/exercise sometimes is, and most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes the feelings emerge with such tenacity, they're hard to shake... what makes it harder is, I'm honestly and earnestly of the camp siding with "size acceptance," and I truly know and believe that (1) your worth as a human being is NOT reliant on your dress size, (2) big can very well be beautiful, (3) "fat" does not necessarily equal "unhealthy" anymore than "skinny" necessarily equals "healthy." Part of what makes my negative feelings about myself even more unsettling is that while I honestly believe the above-mentioned points, it doesn't stop me feeling what I'm feeling, and it's so hypocritical and contradictory that it makes my head spin.
Plodding along, y'all, plodding along. And thanking God tomorrow's Wednesday.
I, of course, consequently sunk into a junk-food guilt spiral that I am still emerging from; I don't think it's healthy for me to continue completely depriving myself of junk food, especially since I've already proven to myself that I have changed my lifestyle and my overall habits, and Lord knows I am healthier now than at any other time in my life, most likely (I'm about five pounds away from my high school weight, for Christ's sake). Instead, I'm trying just to stick to what I know is right - occassional indulgences, with an adherence afterward to my normal, healthy habits (and if I've been especially indulgent, perhaps an extra trip to the gym that week). I figure if I give myself permission to "treat" myself occassionally it will be healthier in the long run, and while I intellectually acknowledge that, it's harder to convince that part of myself that keeps telling me that I've already let myself slip, and that I've slipped too far, so why not just quit and pig out and go back to doing what I did for the better part of my life, and hey, yeah. I never really admitted to myself or let myself think about how complicated my relationship with food/exercise sometimes is, and most of the time I'm fine, but sometimes the feelings emerge with such tenacity, they're hard to shake... what makes it harder is, I'm honestly and earnestly of the camp siding with "size acceptance," and I truly know and believe that (1) your worth as a human being is NOT reliant on your dress size, (2) big can very well be beautiful, (3) "fat" does not necessarily equal "unhealthy" anymore than "skinny" necessarily equals "healthy." Part of what makes my negative feelings about myself even more unsettling is that while I honestly believe the above-mentioned points, it doesn't stop me feeling what I'm feeling, and it's so hypocritical and contradictory that it makes my head spin.
Plodding along, y'all, plodding along. And thanking God tomorrow's Wednesday.
