you can't take the sky from me.

Let's talk about how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Or not. Yeah, no, let's not.

Last weekend I went to muskratjamboree and it was epic, just as it was the last time. I tend towards the quiet, lurky side, since I've not been super vocal in fandom in the last several years, but I still love fan culture and hearing the last about what people are reading and watching and doing. I've picked up a lot of potential fandoms that may interest me, and had a great time basking on the aura of enthusiasm that everyone brought for their respective fandoms.

Mostly, it made me really want to create things again -- like, in terms of vidding or ficcing again, obviously, but also in a more general sense. Like, what excuse do I have -- what valid excuse do I have -- for not writing more, or for not doing more photomanips, or working on graphics so that I can actually get good enough to commit the images in my head to paper? Why am I not reading and critiquing more fic, or betaing anymore, or generating meta? Why am I pushing ideas aside as being too undeveloped or "out there" when I know I would get pleasure from writing them, and when I know, first hand, that there is an audience for everything, however brief, or meandering, or outlandish.

I feel like I am turning my back on a potentially welcoming community** out of a sense of inadequacy and this idea that I have nothing of value to offer, and that is just total bullshit. There are brilliant ideas out there that I am missing out on by not paying more attention to the community, and my own ideas are stagnating and dying because I never even give them a chance. I need to put the kibosh on that mode of thinking, yo.

Tomorrow starts the April round of Camp NaNoWriMo, and I'm hoping that lights the appropriate fire under my ass to start me writing again, because it's not so much that I have no ideas as it is that I never give myself permission to just write and not worry about quality or plot, and once I get started, I usually generate some decent stuff if I can keep it going long enough. Hoping to start on a collection of short fiction that I've been putting off committing to paper since, mmm, October, maybe??

**I'm referring specifically (in light of the con) to the fandom community, but in a broader and just as valid sense, I also mean the ~creative community in general. I enjoy making things, I enjoy crafting, and crocheting, and writing, but I don't make time for them any more. It's like -- work, gym, dinner, chores, internet, bed, everyday. THERE IS MORE TO ME THAN THAT, GODDAMNIT. I just need to... fucking reclaim it, man.

Meanwhile, this weekend I spent (with SIGNIFICANT help from Andy) getting the house clean, because SPRING, BITCHES. Wow, with two of us, we got basically EVERYTHING done in a day and a half, which is pretty epic, honestly. I still have to clean the tub and then my craft room (because, aha, the craft room is basically a dumping ground for whatever shit I've been working on -- or not working on -- and right now it contains:

1. a suitcase still half-full from MJ,
2. a stack of newspapers for a paper mache Loki helmet I am "supposed" to make for Anime Boston,
3. several blocks of Sculpey, a bunch of loose and disorganized jewelry posts and jump hooks, bottles of acrylic paint, and dozens of charms in various stages of completeness,
4. piles of clothing that no longer fit, strewn on both my desk chair and my dress makers dummy,
5. most of my collection of scrapbooking supplies, all over my desk, because... fuck you, that's why (no, I have no recollection of using them recently, I don't know how or why they're there)

but the craft room is closed off from the rest of the flat 99.9% of the time anyway, and I kind of regard it as a seperate entity, because I'm the only one who ever goes in there anyway. So while I DO want to get it cleaned and organized, it's not as much of a priority as the rest of the living space). This is a big deal, because it makes me feel like SOMETHING in my life is just, you know, DONE. Set. A-ok. In order. It means it's one less thing I have to feel anxious about, or to use as an excuse as to why I'm not doing X, Y, and Z instead of fretting about my living space or feeling overwhelmed by other obligations (also, everything smell like Fresh Water, and that's super nice, ahh...) We threw the windows open yesterday and tore down the curtains (to wash them), the the whole flat as full of fresh air and sunlight, and yeah... it feels like, if I had to wait for a time to start things over, this is it. This is the time to renew commitments to yourself.

Other things:

1. I've been driving. I know, wow. I'm hating it less. We're planning on scheduling my road test sometime in April, taking it sometime in May. I fucking hate merging onto the highway, but so does everyone. Other than that, I don't mind highway driving, and I've been long resigned to city driving. I've been taking myself around, to Mel's house, to and from work, to the gym... I'm excited to be able to apply to jobs that require a driver's license, because while that would mean I'd need to buy a car (it's usually in-home training, direct care work, etc.), the jobs that would require it also pay enough that it would be a reasonable expense to buy a semi-decent used car for work.

2. Work. I'm looking. I don't hate my job right now -- on the contrary, while there are some really frustrating moments, in general, I enjoy it. So now is really the time to look, when I'm in the frame of mind where I am restless enough to be mentally willing to try something new, but emotionally stable enough to be selective, and to only apply to jobs that sound like a step up, instead of applying to anything because AT LEAST IT'S NOT THIS.

3. I need fanart -- good fanart -- of a.) true-form!Castiel, and b.) Ice King/Marceline (not in a romantic sense) from Adventure Time, because oh my God, I think I'm addicted to Adventure Time, and Ice King and MArceline just make me go A BLOO BLOO BLOO.

I just heard the dryer stop, which is my signal to go and fold clothes, because Lord knows I won't feel like it after the gym tomorrow. Enjoy what little remains of the weekend, everyone.

I've finally taken the first steps to getting my Tumblr fandom podcast off the ground.

1.) I've set up feeds from fandom journals and specific fandom newsfeeds on Google so I know what's going on in fandom (in a slightly more organized venue than Tumblr itself).
2.) I've set up a sub-blog on my Tumblr account as a homebase for the podcast.
3.) I've designed and uploaded logos and album art for the podcast on iTunes.
4.) I registered and set-up my podbean account, so I have hosting.
5.) I own a headset mic and two standalone mics, plus I have downloaded, installed, and played with Audacity, so I have the recording capabilities (hubby and I can also both edit using Audacity).

All that's left is gathering those who are interested in participating, and actually recording a show**. This makes me feel somewhat accomplished.

Other projects I'm hoping to get off the ground this week:

1.) Making some more sets of greeting cards and crocheting a thing or two. I plan on opening an Etsy shop, hopefully by the end of the month.
2.) Starting work on my Loki helmet for next year's Anime Boston (I feel like it's going to be a LOT of trial-and-error and a LOT of starting and stopping, so I should probably get cracking now). I'm actually the LEAST concerned about the helmet, because I can do that with modeling clay and paper mache, it's the actually costume itself that is intimidating as fuck. I might have to see if I can purchase pieces of other cosplayers, or else enlist someone's help to read and piece together the pattern. I have the better part of a year (ten months, give or take) to get it done, so I'm not super worried? But I figure if nothing else, I can get the helmet done without too too much of an issue).
3.) I want to draft an outline of both the original fic I want to write and my fanfic. I don't want to WRITE THEM, I don't want to put that kind of pressure on myself when I'm already starting three other long-term projects, but I want to at least commit to getting them done sometime in the near future, and that means saying, "Yes, I'm going to write these, and here are the blueprints for when I'm ready."

I WILL have time to do these things. I WILL. I have three day weekends while I'm working this summer, longer nights (because I can sleep in the mornings, don't have to be up until 8 instead of 6, and YEAH, two hours makes a BIG difference), and I'll have all of August free to work on things. These things WILL get done, I DO have time, I DON'T have to rush them, but I have NO excuse not to at least WORK on them.


** A slight exaggeration; I also want intro/outro music (could probably play around in Garage Band or find royalty free music online; I forget specifically where to find it, but when I was in Marketing with my one-on-one, they were given resources for royalty-free/open source music to use in their radio and TV ads, and while it wasn't QUALITY TUNES, it wasn't awful music, either). I also want to set up a Skype account so that whoever is interested in participating in the podcast at any point in time will be able to do so via Skype. UPDATE: Installed Skype and am currently researching Skype/Audacity, re: how to record a podcast using Skype. Later today I will start onlining the first show, with the intention to start recording it by the 14th. I'd like a co-host, but at this point I'll go solo if I have to, because damn it, I really want to do this.

I think it's funny -- not "ha ha" funy, but kind of ironic funny -- how much of a concious effort it is not to over-think while I'm attempting to write. Like, I have to focus really hard to avoid over-focusing? It's bizarre. But it's kind of sort of working, maybe? I don't know. I haven't written in ages. I'm trying to finish up the collection of twenty sestinas so I can publish elegance/animal and maybe move on to trying another form, because I love writing, but -- as has been previously stated -- am incapable of doing so (for the most part, with exceptions) without some kind of structure. There's this awesome resource at The Word Shop that has a listing of a slew of poerty forms, and I am itching to try some of them out. I've played around with a lot of forms, but it's a goal of mine to try to write at least one piece in every form listed there. Bizarre and oddly specific, yes. But we all have our goals and dreams, right?

( Speak of the devil; an update on Bucket List 2012 )

I'm moving. I'm still going. Not as quickly as I'd like, and with far more sudden stops and false starts than I'd like, but I'm moving. And that, ultimately, is the point. Just keep going.