Free-floating hostility

[afterallthistime]

People who get mad at me because they disagree with my lifestyle choices. These have included: being celibate, not being celibate, having sex before marriage, living together before marriage, getting married, changing my name, not driving, not having kids, wanting kids, etc. Regardless of what choice I make, someone seems to disapprove and take it as a personal affront, as though I'm living that way solely to spite them. Honestly? Fuck you. You don't have to approve of my lifestyle choices, and I don't have to defend them to you.

People who seem to think marriage is the Ultimate Answer in life - and please keep in mind, I speak as a married woman, and yes, I enjoy being married. However:
1. Marriage is not a cure-all. You will still get lonely, you will still go through periods of financial insecurity, you will still have the same self-confidence issues/body issues/mental health issues. It doesn't solve your problems, and if it's something you're entering into hoping that it will cure what ails you, head's up: you're doing it wrong. It doesn't work like that.
2. Your spouse may grow and change while you are together, but getting married is not going to "magically" change him or her. Any meaningful change a person goes through is internally motivated; you can encourage, you can support, but you cannot force, and you cannot expect that a ring on his/her finger is going to magically erase all of his/her personality flaws. Ask yourself if you're in love with this person, or with a fantasy of who this person could be.
3. Things you think you can live with while you're dating or in the throes of early infatuation euphoria can be completely unbearable when you are married. Really consider what you'd be willing to live with - because you are going to be living with this person - and all their baggage - (osentibly) for the rest of your lives.
4. You can get married for $35 (the cost of a marriage certificate in MA). Guess how much divorce costs? (Clue: It's more than $35).

By the same token, I resent people who imply that I am a "sell out" as a feminist because I got married, or because I changed my name. We live in a culture where marriage has traditionally been very patriarchal - I understand that completely. I also understand that suggesting marriage is the highest aspiration to a woman is sexist and outdated, and that the name change was, back in the day, symbolic of becoming your husband's property. That does not mean every marriage is sexist or unequal. Also, I chose to change my name for aesthetic reasons, and my husband and I discussed several alternatives to the name change (including keeping our own names, and coming up with a third name that we could both adopt), and I chose his name. Changing my name was a gesture that, for me, signified a new stage in my life - one that I entered into willingly and with a good deal of consideration. And you know what, I still know who I am.

People who look at an unpleasant situation I'm in and say, "Well, why don't you just [obvious solution]?" and then get pissy if I don't laud their suggestion as my salvation. Don't get me wrong, I understand the thought process that goes into making the suggestion; sometimes someone is just in a funk and needs to hear someone else's opinion. I also understand that when people are down, they sometimes dismiss valid suggestion out of hand. That being said, if you have to say it - say it, and then let it go. Pushing it isn't going to "open my eyes," it's going to make me resentful. And, also - don't you think I've thought of [obvious solution] already? Sometimes my life circumstances mean I can't do [obvious solution]. Why? None of your goddamn business. I'm sorry, I know you're probably my friend, but you know what? Even if you are, not everything going on in my life is your business. If I say I can't do something, it's not always an excuse - my life is not yours. Don't pretend you know what my when-nobody's-looking life is like, because no, you fucking don't.

This one doesn't really make me mad, just uncomfortable: when people say things to me in the form of "Every girl wants __________." Because nine times out of ten, I can't relate to it, and I resent the implication that "womanhood" and women are such a homogenous group that we must all want the same things. I've heard "Women want to be protected," "women want to be pampered," etc., an all I can think is, um, no, I don't. Does that mean I'm not a woman? If you want to say that women "tend" to want something, or "some" (or even "most") women want something, that's fine. But the minute you start saying "every woman," you're either really over-simplifying womanhood, or mistakenly projecting your experiences and desires on to all of us - and in turn, suggesting I'm not a woman because I don't fit your generalization.

Comments

[cat-exploded.livejournal.com]

Well said. As soon as someone starts a sentence with "all women", they've lost me. It really gets my back up.

[sumofherregrets.livejournal.com]

I think everyone slips and make generalizations sometimes, but I try to consciously catch myself because I know that I can't presume to speak for the entirety of my gender. There are, of course, trends and generalizations that are true for the majority, but I try to voice those as things "some" or "most" women do.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_geeklove/]

AMEN to the marriage part. We've discussed one of the others already. ;)

I actually have a friend who's going through hell because she's finally realized that marriage didn't magically change her husband into a mature, responsible adult. She has had problems with the way he is and wants him to be someone he's not. It may take years for him to really be the man she wants him to be, if he changes at all.

I think there are sadly many people who believe that a marriage is going to fix their problems. I've never seen that work.

[sumofherregrets.livejournal.com]

We've discussed one of the others already. ;)

Yes, yes we have XD

It's funny, because there are so many nice things about being married, but... I don't think they're the things "OMG have to get married" people are thinking of. I like having someone around to talk to, but I also appreciate the fact that, 90% of the time, we're doing our own thing - not in total isolation, but independent of one another. I feel like a lot of the people so gung-ho about having to get married are people who think it will be like dating forever, lots of romance and him trying to impress you, etc.

I've found that now that I'm married, there are still plenty of gestures of romance, but you're so entangled in every day life (because this person is a major PART of your everyday life, not a see-you-once-a-week-for-a-fun-date-night) that they areless frequent (though often more honest).